I need to finish my story about picking up the printer at Target and then catch you up on my recent life adventures.

Even parking is an experience in Florida. In the Target parking lot I pulled in between two lines. It was a nice day so I had the windows down which allowed me to audibly inspect my surroundings. It just so happened that as I cut the engine a high pitched annoying beep echoed through my windows.

“This vehicle is backing up” it screamed. Everyone in the parking lot stopped and turned their heads. Smiles went across the faces of all as they watched some woman move an SUV into reverse. This isn’t the first time I witnessed this event since being here. I’m not one to laugh in the face of safety but whatever happened to just paying attention in reverse. I drove an SUV for four years and never felt the need for an annoying woman to announce my reversing. I anticipate this to be a feature that will come standard on every motor vehicle in the coming years. I also anticipate this to be a feature that cannot easily be deactivated by snapping a wire like the annoying seat belt alarm in all modern vehicles.

For some reason or another, I never think to grab a shopping cart. Because of this I carry the awkwardly oversized box towards the cash registers. I see several open up ahead and one near by. A very attractive woman with a small basket turns into the register nearest me. She’s rocking the business casual sexy librarian work. She looks back, and for lack of a better word, she makes love to me with her eyes. Amen. I follow her into the lane.

What should I say? As my memory strolls every meaningless comic book I’ve ever read or shitty video game I’ve ever played, she reaches for a pack of gum. She looks back and sees my eyes following her movement. “You can go in front me, I have a bunch of coupons” she offers. Success, she broke the ice for me. Wait, she’s a coupon~er? Probably a little crazy. That’s all right. I can work with it. Damn, what should I say now? I put my huge box on the cashier belt and look back at her.

She has a big smile on her face. She knows I want her body on this conveyor belt right now. My lips start to open to say something even though my mind doesn’t know what yet. She tilts her head so that her hair falls in front of her face in sexy fashion. I love it. Still trying to process something to speak in my mind I watch her hand move towards her face to brush the hair away. Instead of a normal swipe she uses one finger. Her ring finger. Her ring finger which displayed a gargantuan rock. Bitch.

The next day I was meaninglessly roaming the few walls of the apartment when I decided I had a hunger that could only be satisfied by shitty Asian food in the mall. I could really go for some Bourbon chicken and some orange chicken. The usual. And of the three shitty Asian Food places in the Clearwater Mall foodcourt, none of them had bourbon chicken and orange chicken. One restaurant did have “grilled chicken” and “mango chicken” thought. It tasted great. That’s because it was bourbon chicken and orange chicken. This left me curious as to whether or not this was a regional naming convention. I must further investigate before a conclusion on this issue can be had.

I didn’t have the need for anything in the mall other than shitty Asian but I did walk around for a while. After my recent comments about the shitty decline of Best Buy’s inventory I was shocked to see a Best Buy Mobile store. This leads me to the conclusion that while most electronics are imminently approaching death due to digital distribution, cell phones are most definitely not. As such, Best Buy must be making a killing off of iGeneration kids buying up the latest and greatest cell phones out of false pretenses. This world is going to hell and there’s nothing I can do about it.

My roommate plays live music at a trashy little bar on the beach on Thursday nights. Mainly 90’s cover music but its usually a great time. I listened to my favorite decade of music and played some pool. Apparently my billiard shooting skills take off when I’m at the local oasis because I somehow managed to go 5-0 at the table.

On the way home I found out that the state of Florida doesn’t like it when you don’t change your license plate over. I tried to put some gum in my mouth before I had to interact with other humans but before I can do so a cop is shining the light through the passenger window at my hand. He asks me to roll down the window and asks what the hell I’m holding. He laughs at the outcome but quickly lets me know there’s a drug dog in his vehicle. I don’t know why he felt the urge to let me know this but as we weren’t riding dirty or breaking any laws so we talked about Kentucky for a while. He was also curious why there was furniture in the back of a truck at 4AM (long story, don’t ask) but after some explanations and a cheap fine we were free to go about our business.

There’s time for a few hours of shut eye before I start my temp job with my roommate at a warehouse of an online retailer. Fortunately, the warehouse runs later hours so I managed to get somewhat rested before a day of what I absolutely can not spend the rest of my life doing. After work I came home and slept for 12 straight hours. There’s a lot to be learned and said about online retailers and warehousing as well as shipping processes in America. (Obviously I have nothing bad to say about an employer as any job is a good job in these times and rent ain’t gonna pay itself; but I do have insightful comments to bring to the table that could even potentially help). But I am over 1,000 words and kind of tired of typing so I will save my experiences for another day.