Category Archives: Florida Finger-Licking Fun

For my next adventure I didn’t have to go far from home. Ribfest is an annual shindig held on the shores of the Tampa Bay in downtown Saint Pete. Last year I was tried to make the event but for personal reasons I was unable to make it.

Just walking to the event is a jaw dropping as you get to see all of the yachts parked along the shore.

Once inside, there are plenty of family oriented events and some of the coolest looking inflatables man has ever seen.

By this point in the day my hunger was taking over and I was ready for the ribs. After all this is Ribfest. PorkyNBeans was the choice due to having the shortest lines. It did not let down. I was even able to convince the workers to hook me up with beans and Mac&Cheese instead of the coleslaw. I’m not a slaw guy.

The food was incredible and I think it even made me a believer in ribs.

After finishing our plates we found the worlds largest trash can. No big deal.

After finishing we found some friends, settled down and enjoyed the sounds of Sister Hazel and the Edgar Winter Band. I am still in shock by how this whole festivity even fit downtown but it was a worthwhile day. Sorry to my readers for the shortness of this article, it was a last minute thing without much detail paid for writing efforts.

It had been a few months since I had a vacation day and I was in desparate need to get out the city. Good thing a trip planned to visit the annual Halloween festivities in Key West known as Fantasy Fest had been previously arranged. My travel party this time would include a friend from home, a coworker and his wife. We decided to take the Friday leading into the festive weekend off and head down early in the AM.

Best way to get to Key West, drive!

As with every vacation I plan, the haul at work seemed to be overloaded the day before and nothing was going right. When I was finally able to escape work, I had a softball game in Saint Pete that left me totally exhausted and in need of a drink of bourbon. This made the early morning trek to the Keys even harder to wake up for but nothing keeps me away from one of my favorite places on Earth.

Hemmingway replica in the Islamorada Fish Company

On the way we decided it was imperative to stop at the Islamorada Fish Company and pick up some necessary fishing gear. The store is overwhelming and everything you would expect a Bass Pro Shop in the Florida Keys to be.

For the full Keys experience it is important that you camp instead of staying in a hotel. This was precisely what we were doing on Sugarloaf Key in the KOA campgrounds. The campground was actually very nice and taken care of very well. I overheard some gentlemen in the restroom saying that the place had been rundown in the past 10 years but it was all I needed to survive. Maybe they were just getting old.

Fishing was our only slated item for Friday evening. My coworker and his wife wanted to hit Key west, so my buddy and I ventured off to No Name Key to find some good fishing. What we found instead were the endangered Key Deer. A six point buck even walked right up to us while we were fishing off of the bridge.

When the sun started to set our stomachs let us know of their starvation and that it was time to find the hidden pizza place that the sun baked stoner at the fishing store told us to seek out. We had to stop for a few minutes beforehand to play with the ever-so-friendly Key Deer.

The hidden pub was an absolute hit. We ordered a pizza with fresh Key shrimp and pineapples on it, had some local beers, and even bought some pint glasses to remind us of this one day forgotten trip.

But when in the Keys, you have to do the Keys. So after settling up we headed to check out the Friday night Fantasy Fest activities in Key West. I have been to the Keys several times in my almost 26 years, but never have I seen it as packed as it was on this night. And I have visited on New Year’s Eve(That’s another story for another time).

So when on Duval St. I have the same routine I seem to almost always follow religiously due to my introvert~edness and desire to explore, which is to do a lap or two from one end to the other. There was some wild shit going on to say the least.

Saturday morning was set for some serious Florida Keys Lobstering action. We had a boat reserved and our snorkeling gear ready. Wouldn’t you know it, there was a small craft advisory? How about that for some horse shit. This minor detail wouldn’t deter us from our planned vacation. So we geared up and jumped right in off shore.

My traveling buddies didn’t seem to acknowledge the fact that I had never been snorkeling so while I was in an epic battle more fierce than the Battle of Evermore with some serious seaweed, they were 100 yards out actually catching lobster.

Their fun was shortlived as the goggles on my buddy’s mask busted into his face. Seriously. I have never seen anything like that. The goggles literally shattered in his face. We showered up and went back to the tent to catch an afternoon nap before the main Fantasy Fest Festivities.

Upon awakening covered in more sweat than my body has ever produced we prepped for Halloween unlike any Halloween prepping has ever been prepped. Ok, exageration. But we did go all in. Fantasy Fest is the annual Halloween event held in Key West to promote tourism. It has been going on for over 30 years. Each year has its own theme. This year’s theme, superheros. It is also widely known that Key West is one of the most gay cities in America. So I asked myself, how many opportunities will I have in life to dress up as the Ambiguously Gay Duo and roam around Key West. Yolo!

After paying an absurd amount for parking, we posted up on Duval Street next to a roadside bar and prepped ourselves for the parade. Everyone kept telling me that the parade for Mardi Gras is much more explicit which was disheartening to learn but now know it is something to add to my bucket list.

There was this lawyer chick from Key Largo that kept hitting on all us and offering rum from her flask which might have contained roofies. She was interesting enough to keep around until her dbag boyfriend came up and told us we were gay for wearing our costumes. What a turd burglar. We ditched them, caught some condoms from the floats and went on our merry way.

Nights in Key West get hazy so I wont go into the remainder of details for the night. The next morning we woke early due to the blazing sun, packed up and did some more serious fishing. Didn’t catch much but had a blast and darkened my beautiful skin some.

Day 1 partying on the 10th floor

Spending most of my life in Kentucky the joy of being in a city when your home team makes a professional playoff was something I never got to experience. Living in Saint Petersburg not only fulfills this missing joy, but it does it with a powerful punch. Ok, so maybe that’s a lie. It isn’t even fair to call Tampa Bay fans fair weather fans. However, arguably the Rays are one of the best teams in the majors.

Game 2 at Fergs

Unfortunately, the Rays were paired up with the Red Sox in my first MLB playoff experience. Game 1, which was played in Boston, can only be described as a travesty. My office shutdown an hour early on that Friday afternoon and let up watch the game on the big screen in the conference room overlooking the bay, the city and the Trop.

Saint Pete roads closed down for the Game 3 affair

Game 2 was also played in Boston. But Fergs was in full affect. It was unbelievable how packed the game day bar was for an away. The game wasn’t pretty but me and a buddy enjoyed one of the last available tables at the watering hole.

I wasn’t sure if a Game 4 was possible so I only purchased two tickets for Game 3. We decided to drive their from our downtown office. That was a mistake. Parking was insane. We would have been better off just walking from the office because we ended up walking just as far from where we ended up paying $20 to park.

After the walk off

Downtown was unexplainable. One of the best experiences of my life. I couldn’t believe my entire city getting behind something so big. Baseball is new to me so I really appreciated it. Better yet, the game was really close until a Walkoff Homerun hit a few rows in front of me sealed a Game 4. The barely packed Trop erupted. I wish every Rays game was an intense but unfortunately the fans in Florida don’t care that much. The Rays would end up losing Game 4 but left a hunger for next season in my mouth.

After spending some time in the apartment reflecting on my recent breakup I knew it was time to get back out in the world and start being my own man again. Better yet, I knew it was time for a new adventure worthy of some bloggery action. It was mid-day on a Sunday afternoon so I knew the adventure couldn’t be too crazy so I Googled nearby parks.

Much to my excitement I found the Boyd Hill Nature Park right in the concrete jungle known as Pinellas County.

The park has miles of hiking trails through some of Florida’s finest natural beauty. I’m still not quite sure how this piece of land hasn’t been developed through the years while the rest of the county has come up so quickly.

The centerpiece of the park is Lake Maggiore. The lake is 245 acre lake surrounded by wildlife, endangered species and the Saint Petersburg skyline. With all of the hustle and bustle of the city it was quite pleasant to find and isolated part of the city and do some deep soul searching.

And that is precisely what I did. I found a park bench miles deep in the park with a great view of the lake and skyline and sat down. This is when my quarterlife crisis officially began.

The two hours I sat there I deeply dug into all of the childhood dreams I had held onto for so long, all of my ambitions, and all of the goals I had for my life and I really started to think about who, what and where I was as a person. I could say I am happy for the moment. I could also say I am depressed for the moment. But it was in the isolated portion of the park where one can truly find himself and evaluate what the necessities of life truly are.

The final stop on the Saint Augustine nostalgia vacation, the lighthouse.

Don’t be confused by this article and think there is something super significant about this lighthouse that no other lighthouse doesn’t have. I also was still feeling the results of cheaply priced beverages from the Alligator Park so if there was some important significance, I missed it.

You arrive to grounds and you might actually be shocked with how modest the grounds are. I suppose the house of a lighthouse keeper doesn’t need to be extravagant. The porch actually had somewhat of a southern charm to it that the rest of the state of Florida is missing.

Inside there is a bunch of historic memorabilia and shit. The things that stood out to me the most were the old World War II propaganda posters. Specifically the Coast Guard posters recruiting for Spars. My girlfriend made the a positive comment on how far the Coast Guard has come as well as how far women have come after inspection of the posters. It really stuck with me and made me admire the poster as well as her personal accomplishments.

The living room was very homey as any living situation should be.

After touring the living quarters it was time for the great ascent to the top of the lighthouse. I was ill-prepared for the hike up. The thought of carrying a bucket of oil up all these flights of stairs every day sounded miserable.

Stopped for a Shaka Brah Picture.

At the top you finally get some exposure to waters along Saint Augustine. After working two years 10 floors above the city of Saint Petersburg, it was finally nice to see some Florida coastline not completely annihilated by the hand of man.

There really wasn’t much left to see in the park. A little bit of a trail that nobody was on. It was actually quite peaceful. Then we spent some time in the gift-shop before deciding it was time to head back towards Saint Petersburg. (Side note: We stopped for Mexican in Sanford, Florida. Peaceful place.)

Not much of an entry for this one as we only visited the park long enough to enjoy a chocolate covered banana and touch our toes to the Atlantic Ocean. So instead I will just give you the pictures I took.

Saint Augustine Lighthouse in the distance

The other side of the park is quite vast with lots of shading.

There is also camping within walking distance to the beach. Awesome!

Next up on the great Saint Augustine excursion of 2013 was the Alligator Farm. Its easy to find. The whole area is kind of small and if you drive around for 45 minutes you end up knowing where everything is. Like the fort though, the real reason I wanted to visit the Alligator Farm was nostalgia. We visited this park when I was young and the only thing I remember was my dad spitting some Skoal on the bad alligators.

The military discount saved me like two dollars on admission at the Alligator Farm which was quite disappointing. Fortunately, that disappointment was quickly turned around by the first attraction in the farm.. An albino alligator! I feel sorry for these poor guys, they are like at the bottom of Darwinism. If the a predator doesn’t kill them first, they will suffer from sunburn. Good thing these guys are protected in the farm!

All this guy is thinking is ‘Feed me a chicken!’

After picking up your jaw from the floor near the albino gator, you come to the center of the farm where probably 50 gators are just chilling. One thing is on these gators’ mind, ‘Is it feeding time yet?’

Badass Gator Tap!

Next to the feeding frenzy was a bar in the center of the farm selling cheap 32 oz beers. Ugh… Yes please.

So after fueling up it was time to see the park.

A message I need to keep on my pants to fend off all the VD ridden skanks

But it just happened to be feeding time immediately following the drink purchases. Sure why not?

I probably took a hundred photos trying to best capture the excitement of feeding time in the Alligator Farm but none of my picture quite conveyed the emotions. Watching these prehistoric beasts fight for effortless food is definitely worth the price of military discounted admission. I highly recommend it.

There are a few paths you can head down to see the farm. What is most awesome is the zip line course that traverses right above the exhibits in the farm. This is something I would have been all for had I not capitalized on two of the cheaply priced 32 oz beers the park offered.

You will be happy to know that even the dumb cousin of the alligator, the gharial is also an exhibit. Apparently these guys are some sort of endangered species or something. I can’t imagine why. Not even a toddler would be afraid of this thing.

For those bringing young ones you will be pleased to learn that there is a children’s playground. It isn’t much but it will probably keep them entertained long enough to regrip your bearings on life.

The paths you choose eventually lead you back to the center of the farm where coincidentally the refreshment station is located. There is a stage where some stupid show about the history of gators or some shit is going on. I suppose families would enjoy this but I am more of the exploring type.

After refilling we decided to head down one of the other paths. This path was a bridged walkway of swamp-like territory that gators were swimming freely in. Awesome.

I actually spent the most time in the park on this walkway. I don’t know what it was but it felt quite refreshing to watch the gators swim freely without concern. I thought about how the management of the farm decided where what gators went where when standing on this walkway. It seemed like this was the most open environment but the gators in this exhibit were smaller than some of the others. Something had to give but I will probably never know.

At the end of the walkway you approach an air conditioned room with video and aquariums filled with lizards, snakes and whatnot. Not exactly why I came to this park.

The best part of the room though was the painting that portrayed a prehistoric alligator taking down the monstrosity known as the tyrannosaurus rex.

Overall, I think I can confidently say that visiting the Alligator Farm was the best part of my return visit to Saint Augustine. I found none of the nostalgia I came looking for but instead I found a place where I was caught up in the moment and couldn’t help but to admire the beautiful creatures of earth that were on exhibit. Better yet, I was able to get one of the most badass Hawaiian t-shirts ever. Except nothing about it was Hawaiian. If I had to describe it I was describe it as a Florida T-shirt. Flamingo’s and Gators.

While were on the topic of this gift store of this trip, I must mention I bought one of the best gifts ever. A coffee mug in the shape of an alligator with a gator hatching out of it. This was a great gift for the gf because she was on a ship in the Coast Guard named the Alligator. Cant beat that!

The second stop on the Saint Augustine tour is the Castillo de San Marco. Or as us dumb Murican’s like to put it, the fort in Saint Augustine.

My readers should know by this point that I love taking great pictures. So I am finally at a fort and I thought to myself ‘What a great time to get a picture of me holding down the fort’. What I mean by this is that I wanted to take a picture in similar fashion to those where a person is standing in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa trying to push it back up or in front of the Taj Mahal squeezing the structure like an ant.

Unfortunately no matter how hard I tried, this was a concept that I could not articulate clearly enough to my girlfriend. What you see are three feeble attempts of taking a picture where I am holding down the fort.

Finally, frustrated, I know the only way I am going to get the picture that I want is to do it myself and show her how its done.

What do you know? First try and I take a perfect picture. Now that I felt the concept was fully grasped, I felt the picture I required would come.

Not perfect but I’ll accept it. This is one of the reasons I know our relationship would have never worked. Her lack of photography skills would never bode well with an aspiring photo journalist like myself. But like I said, I am not going to harp on her unless I think it is crucial to the comedy of the story.

So we head towards the main entrance but by this point in the day its time for the daily cannon shooting from the fort. I suppose its widely known to the sail boats that every day before dinner time a cannon ball is shot into the bay because none of the vessels seemed concerned to scurry out of the way.

After waiting 20 minutes for the cannon blast we find that only one cannonball is fired a day. Not the firework show I was hoping for. Even worse, I only captured the one photo. Hey, at least it was better than the 15 failed attempts of a picture of me holding down the fort. Ha!

OK, so finally time to actually go in the fort. So I suppose this is a good to let you know that we actually did visit the fort on my trip to Saint Augustine when I was 9. So I was expecting much. I guess I just wanted to relive some nostalgia.

So we head towards the entrance to pay the admission fee but at this point and in tune with capitalizing off of my girlfriend’s military discount. It was the first thing that crossed my mind before even greeting the cashier at the station. He asks for the active duty ID or whatever its called… Then he looks back and goes, “Hey Rob, do we accept Coast Guard as active duty discount?”. I must say, even as a civilian, I was offended. I was offended as an American by that comment. Who knows what kind of rage my girlfriend was going through at the moment.

My ongoing theme of people carving their names into something beautiful

We make it through the ignorant process without losing our head and finally find ourselves inside the fort.

Little crawlspace I found

There isn’t really a lot to write home about inside the fort. It just a sight to see. Admire the ocean. Think about the history, etc…

I’m not sure how I felt about the installation of modern restrooms in the fort.

At the top of the fort you get to see why the location was chosen. Probably the best vantage point along the Florida Atlantic coast.

Me and my cannon

No attraction is complete without me taking a lewd photo.

After leaving the fort, it is easy to cross the street and find many watering holes and tourist attractions. You can walk up and down for a few hours and really feel like you are on vacation. But after seeing the fountain and the fort in the same day you know its time to call it a day!

I must apologize to the ten or so readers that I have on my blog. The date that I am writing this entry is November 21, 2013. So any blog entries dated between August and November will be written looking back in time. I am like so far behind on blog entries. I could blame it on laziness. I could blame it on work. I could blame it on a woman. But truth be told, I haven’t sat down with a bottle of bourbon and a writer’s spirit in a long time.

In regard to a woman, I have since had my heart ripped out, thrown in a blender and watched it spin into a beautiful oblivion. OK, so maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it wasn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world. So in fairness to her, I will keep her removed from articles unless imperative to the crux of the story. In all honesty, I have nothing bad to say…

Moving on. When I was little my parents and I visited Saint Augustine. Unfortunately we did not have the time to visit the Fountain of Youth as my dad was busy with a job interview (which would inevitably take my Margarita spirit to the Bluegrass). Ever since, I knew drinking this immortal water was a bucket list item that needed to be kicked. Approaching the park, you begin to think you’re not in the right spot because it too quickly becomes residential. Then you make a turn onto a street where there’s more Spanish moss that your dreams of living on a plantation in the south. Then you find the entrance.

After parking and paying whatever the park fee is, you walk into an open outdoor park without much direction. To your side is a fountain. The Fountain of Youth? Why are no people standing around it? No, its just a pretty fountain outside.

Then you turn around and see an old building with ivy growing down the side like your back home in Kentucky (I say ivy but I know nothing of the botany field). So the Fountain of Youth is inside? OK, I can work with this.

There is your average museum tour guide guy standing beside the fountain telling you all the information pertinent to why you are visiting even though you will never remember a word he says. A feeling of confusion overtakes you. This is the Fountain of Youth? Hell, they could have told me the one outside was it and I would have been much more happier.

The man offers you a dixie cup’s worth of water from the fountain along with a photo. The water is that slimy earthy feeling water that reminds you of Ghostbusters. The three photo’s he takes for you and your girlfriend all turn out blurry. Then the photo your girlfriend captures for you is one where you have no smile. You leave the fountain disappointed. But at least there is more park to explore.

Like a rooster in Key West, you are suddenly shocked by the fact that wild life is roaming free right in front of you (It just occurred to me that I have written a great amount of this post in the second person. Fuck you Jay McInerney). Unfortunately the beautiful creature never spreads its beauty in all its worth for you.

It is OK though because coming up behind you is an albino peacock. According to Wikipedia, its not truly an Albino but the Angel’s Envy has me to unconcerned to research any further on the issue. Just admire the beauty.

When the haze of wildlife’s beauty leaves you, realize there is an Indian Burial Ground right behind you. You will probably be haunted for the rest of your life. At least that’s how you feel when you walk into the building behind the sign. Creepy.

At this point you feel like there’s not much left to do in the park but walk along the ocean and take in its wonderful calmness. Boy are wrong because Florida decides to remind you that you are indeed still in the Bible Belt with one of the largest crosses in the nation. Its quite a remarkable engineering feat to lay your eyes upon.

There are a few other spots and historical signs to read in the park about Ponce de Leon and some other bullshit. Don’t be a toolbox and read them like you are going to remember them for a test or some question on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Just admire the historical significance and head to the bar in the parking lot so you can discuss how Orwell, Bradbury, and Moore basically told us decades ago that this world was going to hell and how so correct they were over a nice refreshing drink.

One of my senior engineers from work and good friend had continuously been trying to get our team get together outside of work for some leisurely activities that would involve no stress. The funny thing about Computer Engineers is that we are typically introverted home bodies. So this proved to be a challenge for Dave to get us together and out in the sun. After reflecting on it, I realize that Dave’s years of experience probably developed the necessity for extra curicular activities with co-workers to keep a great work environment.

First to show up

The thing that turned me off the most about this idea was that the rest of my team agreed that Saturday morning at 8 AM would be the best possible time to get together. I argued this for quite some time but between prior commitments and the fear of the sun’s heat in Florida being on my argument’s opposing team I was doomed for a loss quite like the Spurs in a Stern ran league.

Of course I end up showing up first as I horribly hate being late to any affair. This required my sleep to be cut off at 7:15 AM so I was afraid I was going to end up being irratable. Dave shows up second and gets out to greet me. I had never previously been Frisbee Golfing (Frolfing as it is sometimes called) so I had no frisbees. It was Dave’s job to bring the frisbees for us to use. He quickly realizes he had forgot them and rushes off to retrieve them. The rest of the party shows up with their own frisbees as we wait on Dave to return. We lather up with some sun screen and prepare ourselves for the adventure upon us.

The Rainbow Warrior

I review Dave’s options for frisbees and the all purpose rainbow colored frisbee jumps out at me. Not only would I be able to make jokes about it throughout the day, I was hopeful that it would also be easy to find when it would end up in the overgrown brush along the sides of the course.

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Finding even the first hole proved to be a challenge for us. Frolfing at this park was great because there was no fee for playing but that perk was quickly realized when we saw the lack of maintenance and signs. It took us about 10 minutes of walking around before we found the first hole.

After we found it and I threw a frisbee for the first time in probably a decade, I started to get back into my comfort zone. It was about this time I saw the typical Florida park sign declaring laws and order. Too bad the sign isn’t obeyed and children are fornicating in the park. How do I know this you ask? Well probably because of the used condoms laying scattered about the ground.

The coolest part about this Frolf course is that it is right along the beautiful blue gulf waters.

The craziest part about this Frolf course is that while it may be along the beautiful calm coastal waters, it is also within everything that is the Florida wilderness. This proved to burdensome with our rookie like frisbee tosses that always ended up in the brush.

What is even crazier is that when you walk the course long enough you actually end up right next to the interstate(ie Civiliazation). So its like this ying~yang thing between beauty and man’s graffiti on something beautiful(the Earth).

Speaking of man’s mark on something beautiful, Maxmio park didn’t let me down,

Our biggest mistake of spending a few hours in the Florida sun was the lack of bevarages. More specifially, those of the alcoholic kind. But alcoholism aside, it was nice to spend a few hours outside of work with the guys. I’ve never really gotten into the whole golfing thing but the lack of frisbee tossing skills needed to enjoy a day on the frolf course opposed to the golfing skills needed to not throw a set of clubs in a pond is like night and day.

John getting weird

I was even able to nail the only long shot of the day. On the 17th hole I hit a 35 footer for a birdie. Unfortunately by that point I had completely given up on keeping score as I was already a plus ten.

The back nine of the course wraps around against the gulf and you get some decent views. It nerve~racking though because every shot you fear your release might be slightly off and your frisbee is forever consumed by the sea. Speaking of, we actually found a frisbee floating along the shore from someone else’s horrible shot. I wasn’t man enough to get into the nasty polluted swamp water but Dennis was and his reward was a new frisbee.

Overall it was a great day in the sun. I am not sure that I am the frisbee golfer or maybe it was the 18 holes that got me. Golf(and Frolf) courses should be around 12 holes cause thats about the point I am over it. Other than that within a month or so I think I will be ready for another round with the guys.