Category Archives: More Interesting than the Most Interesting Man in the World

On Friday I had an ingrown toenail chopped out of my foot. Prior to the procedure my toe was in pain for 3 weeks. The procedure only cost $125 bucks and seeing as I am not currently insured I was happy to hear this news. Hell, I woulda paid double that to never feel those foot pains again.

I’d call it a success!

I thought I had booked a 5:30PM departure from Tampa. I thought wrong. When I rechecked my itinerary I had selected one of the first outbound flights from TPA. It wouldn’t be so bad I reassured myself. At least I can escape the bridge traffic and have some smooth sailing.

When my alarm clock went off at 3:30AM my body hated the mistake. But I pushed through and headed towards Tampa. As I was crossing the bridge I noticed to lights on the two outside lanes of interstate. They were closed. What could possibly be happening at 4AM. As I drew closer I could see that there had been a wreck. It was no big deal due to the lack of cars though. What stuck out to me were the people standing around the wrecked cars. One police office and three prostitutes. I kid you not. Three prostitutes wearing strait hooker clothes. Its 2012, I honestly didn’t think they still dressed in a way to stand out from a crowd. I mean, isn’t there some sort of app to find hookers these days? It wouldn’t surprise me.

I have never been to the airport so early that the security line wasn’t even open yet. So I had to wait for 10 minutes for the TSA people to set up shop. I will say the lines are much more efficient when everyone is fresh on the shift.

When I finally set down to wait on plane boarding a little girl and her mother came to sit next to me. While still fighting the sleep from my eyes I felt the little girl’s hand touch my arm. Being polite I just ignored it and went on with my sleep fighting. Then she put her hand on my knee. At this point the mom chimes in to inform me that the little girl must think I am her father. “Your daddy’s not here anymore,” she tells the girl. “It just you and me now.” She continued saying these things as if they were an attack at me for being a man. She wasn’t even speaking directly to me, but she was speaking so that I could hear her and feel some sort of sympathy for her while being ashamed of being a man. I was probably less annoyed by the little girls curiosity of the world than this woman’s monologue.

Great, its only 4:30 and the day has already thrown enough curveballs at me. After boarding the plane, I noticed a guy dressed as a pilot who looked younger than I sit a few rows back. It struck me as weird but later as we were preparing for our final descent and I noticed his presence had vanished I began to prepare myself for my least favorite part of the flight, the landing. It was definitely the roughest landing I have ever experienced and I would say I fly a fairly decent amount. It hard to describe an unbalanced landing but I am safe so no harm done.

I was wearing my Florida Gators t-shirt when I went to rent my car (Which by the way, myth busted, I am only 24), and some man began attacking me for wearing a Florida shirt. I have lived in Louisville for six years, worn this shirt most of the time and never been attacked. Hell, Louisville is also tied for my favorite college sports program. But I guess this was just the foreshadowing of my weekend in a town where I was no longer a resident.

Friday I had some time to kill so I went to the record store and the mall. It was cold and rainy. I was under dressed and didn’t need the reminder of the weather I had left behind. As I was driving throughout the city something was different. It took me some time to figure out what it was, but Louisville just didn’t feel like home anymore. I finally realized what it was. When you have a place you are living, no matter where you go out and about, there is a central magnetic force pulling you back in. I no longer lived at my friend Marty’s house so that gravitational force was absent and I was just a visitor in another city.

The rest of the evening included your typical Bardstown Rd. shenanigans. Something I thought i had left behind. I am too old for that stuff.

Saturday I was awoke early (with only 4 hours of sleep, 7 in the past 48 hours) and went to the airport to pick up my friend/date for the wedding. We spent the day working on my Kentucky Fried Bucket List Adventures blog at Cherokee Park before the wedding. The wedding was my reason for visiting. It was actually a reception on the boat at Captain’s Quarters.

I had never been to Captain’s Quarters but I have always heard great things. So I figured it would be a great place to snag a few photo’s.

The reception was actually alcohol free, which worked out to be a good thing since I had several hours of driving ahead of me. So I took the opportunity to knock back several virgin Mint Juleps which were very delightful. The reception turned out to be a great time and an opportunity to catch up with some old co-worker’s I hadn’t seen in months. There was some dancing and even a carefully practiced dance by the bride and the groom.

Afterwards, I had to drive to Georgetown and then back to Louisville. By the time I finally had the opportunity to lay down it was 3:45AM. I needed to be at the airport early so I set my alarm for 6:45. (10 Hours of sleep for four days, love it!)

Just as the plane is pulling onto the runway guess what? The front wheel breaks.The captain comes on the speaker to tell us that apparently some safety mechanism for managing the load of the plane snapped off so we had to sit there for an hour. Some guy in front of me is complaining on the phone to someone about how the flight carrier is Delta and they have to go through several safety checks before the plane can continue. I am sorry, but I appreciate that. I didn’t purchase a Southwest ticket for a reason.

Then as I am asking the attendant (mainly cause she was smoking hot) if she had ever experienced anything like this, some know-it-all alpha male steps in to tell me “yeah, there’s this safety clip on the front wheel for checking the load of the plane and it snapped off.” Thanks captain obvious, I heard the pilot say that 30 seconds ago.

It was Friday night. We had no plans. Hardly any friends in Florida. I came home and slept. When I awoke at 9PM I was hungry. Hungry for sushi. But my roommate wasn’t feeling it. Let’s just drive until we find something good he suggested. That was good enough for me so I accepted.

We drove down 4^th street towards St. Petersburg. Nothing seemed appealing. Finally I saw something that looked happening as I passed. I utilized my Florida U-turn skills and within moments I was in the parking lot. It was an Irish pub. I thought I was burnt out on Irish pubs from excessive partying on Bardstown Rd. in Louisville but why not.

We walked in through the back onto a deck where a hostess was ready to greet us from the rear. She acted awkwardly as if she expected all of her guests to be accustomed with the standards and protocols of this establishment. Finally she looked at me and asked do you want to drink or eat. Eat I replied and we followed her to a booth on the wraparound deck.

As I was following her I couldn’t help but notice her style. She wore tight clothing and resembled something I would find in an independent coffee shop on any given day. The fashion statement was nothing in comparison to the hair. She was actually rocking a 1980’s David Bowie haircut.  I actually found myself attracted to this outdated doo. What does that say about me?

We sat at the booth and began to review the menu. Immediately we knew the price was more than we had anticipated paying for the night but what could we do? The vegan chili sounded pleasing but not completely filling so I decided to compliment it with the sirloin burger. I knew that it would leave me stuffed and probably be a bad decision in the long run, I just didn’t know how bad of a decision it would turn out to be.

I ate most of the chili and passed off the remainder to my roommate. My stomach was at 80% capacity but I knew I had to keep trucking through the burger that was on its way. When the burger finally came I was only able to eat about a quarter of it. I took a final bite and announced that this was the last bite I intended to take. My stomach was already expanding beyond its normal means at this point.

Our waitress came and brought us the checks. I slid my credit card in the plastic container of the bi-fold and handed it back. While I waited I knew my body had exceeded maximum capacity for ingested food and that this food would soon be exiting my body in some fashion or another.

The waitress returned with the bill and my card in the bi-fold. I opened it and wrote her a 20% tip. I tried to use my index finger and thumb to grasp my credit card but my attempts were futile. I decided to reattempt my grasp and rearranged everything within my hands. As I did so the credit card slipped right down the bi-fold and onto the ground.

Dammit I said to myself. It was dark near our booth so I slid out and tried to use what light I could to see where my card had fallen. It wasn’t there. What the hell? Then my mind had come to the realization of what had happened. The outside deck was built of wooden 2X6’s and somehow in one simple motion my card had slid from within my grasp through one of these narrow passageways and into neverneverland.

My mind switched into frantic panic mode searching for a solution like the engineer buried deep within me. The waitress could see that something was wrong so she came to our assistance. She provided no support and only informed us that this wasn’t the first time that this had happened. Beer me I said.

She brought us another round of brews and as we drank them we tried to reproduce the incident that had just happened. My roommate had an expired Subway gift card. We proceeded to drop it on the ground several times. Not once did it come close to falling through the cracks. Just my luck. I finished my beer.

I am going to throw up I said aloud. Not waiting for a response I hastily made my way towards the restroom. Once I was through the door I moved directly towards the stall and like the pureness of Ray Allen’s three point shot the vomit was already in full motion. Except it wasn’t pure like Ray Ray jumpshot. The throw up went everywhere. All over the toilet bowl, on the floor and even on my jeans.

I tried my best to clean what mess I could but there was only so much I could do. I cleaned my face up some and readied myself for an immediate departure. As I was walking back to the table I passed my roommate who was making his on restroom visit.

“We need to go now” I said more confident than any other statement I have ever made. He didn’t listen and proceeded to make his own visit to the pisser. I breezed by our table, swooped up my to-go box and rushed towards my jeep where I waited eagerly to flee the scene.

When he finally arrived he looked at me and laughed. Do you need me to drive he asked? No let’s just go I say. We pull out of the parking lot. Precisely at this time our waitress had just clocked out and was hoping into her beautiful Jeep. I only mention this because I have a thing for chicks who drive Wranglers. We smiled and I gave her the Jeeper’s wave. Fortunately for her she will never know the beautiful piece of artwork I left in the men’s bathroom of Three Bird’s Tavern.

At this point in the night there was only one acceptable solution to make all things right, a beerrun. We pulled into the Racetrac gas station to buy some brews. I walk towards the refreshments where I immediately notice a sign. “Dude, when can I buy beer here?” Underneath was a listings of times when you could buy beer in the state of Florida. Friday night only ran until midnight. I look at the clock. 12:03AM. Of course.

On Wednesdays, we get take out Chinese catered at work. I always get the Hunan Chicken. Afterwards, I get to enjoy my favorite part of the meal, the fortune cookie. I always stick the little slip of paper containing my fortune into my wallet as a constant reminder of my current fortune. I cracked open the cookie and to my surprise there was no fortune. I realized that I need no fortune and that I control my own destiny.

There’s an unforeseen consequence of moving to Florida. The abundance of close friends you seem to suddenly accumulate. If you’re not careful, you will begin to find yourself having house guests every given week in a month. These house guests don’t understand the strain that is put on the Floridian body either. For the guests, it is a weeklong getaway vacation of sleeping in, sun baking, and binge drinking at night. The Floridian works during the week while the visitor gathers his rest and energy for the night, but upon coming home, like a restless excited puppy dog, the visitor is ready to go go go. I have already lost count of the number of house guests that we have had in the eight weeks I have lived in Florida(actually I haven’t, the number is 5) and we already have more lined up for the upcoming months, but I am sure that Florida will be the death of me.

I have continued my pursuit of a new and exciting big boy job during these times as well. We are fortunate in this day and age with all of our technical assets that provide means of finding a job(Monster, CareerBuilder, Craigslist, etc…). I had a few interviews lined up when I decided to post my resume on the internet. This is when my life went into frenzy. I began receiving call after call from job recruiters looking to find out a little more about me. It was as this moment I realized this would be closest I would ever understand what it feels like to be Lebron James. Knowing that you have a skill that people need brings a sense of excitement, especially when you skill actually has a meaningful purpose to society.

On Saturday, I had the night to myself and was overwhelmed with a sense of boredom. I decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to check out the new Avengers movie that I have been hearing so much about. I had never gone to the movie theater by myself but figured I would be hard-pressed to find a companion on such short notice.

I pulled out of the apartment complex and to the red light intersection on Gandy Blvd. At this precise moment, the street lights and the traffic lights all lost power. Gandy Blvd. went dark(except for the Dog Track of course). Then I heard a screeching siren to my left. A fire truck was coming my way. It stopped and sat motionless like it was yielding to an imaginary street light. Confused, I had no idea what to do. After a few seconds of inactivity, I decided that since I was turning right on what should be a red, I went ahead and pulled out and left these concerns behind.

Donna Summer had just recently passed away, so the independent local radio station was playing a disco tribute. I cranked the radio, and cruised on. This is when the storms rolled in in a flash like manner. I had been warned about the accumulating puddles so I was careful not to hydroplane. These rainstorms are very hazardous to the inexperienced driver and should raise concern to all parents.

I arrived with five minutes until showtime at my destination. In hindsight, this was a poor decision in one of the most populated areas in the state of Florida. The ticket windows were packed. It probably would have taken 30 minutes just to get my tickets. I could not wait. Then I saw the self-ticketing machines. Unmanned checkout machines are probably one of the greatest inventions of our times (other than the idiotic users that try to use them). I was able to get my ticket in a matter of moments and make my way to the screen. I couldn’t help but to be amazed by the number of people at this theater though. There were so many people just idly loitering in the lobby. What is there to do at a movie theater besides buy your ticket, concessions and go to the screen?

When I finally I arrived in the showroom, I realized the mistake of my tardiness. Every seat in the room was occupied. FML. Then I spotted them. Three open seats in the front row. I hate the front row but what else could I do?

The movie was very enjoyable and I found that solo movie watching actually had its perks. A couple of movie hoppers found their way next to me at the climax of the movie but they were easily discouraged of their evil ways when I told them the seats were taken.

I need to finish my story about picking up the printer at Target and then catch you up on my recent life adventures.

Even parking is an experience in Florida. In the Target parking lot I pulled in between two lines. It was a nice day so I had the windows down which allowed me to audibly inspect my surroundings. It just so happened that as I cut the engine a high pitched annoying beep echoed through my windows.

“This vehicle is backing up” it screamed. Everyone in the parking lot stopped and turned their heads. Smiles went across the faces of all as they watched some woman move an SUV into reverse. This isn’t the first time I witnessed this event since being here. I’m not one to laugh in the face of safety but whatever happened to just paying attention in reverse. I drove an SUV for four years and never felt the need for an annoying woman to announce my reversing. I anticipate this to be a feature that will come standard on every motor vehicle in the coming years. I also anticipate this to be a feature that cannot easily be deactivated by snapping a wire like the annoying seat belt alarm in all modern vehicles.

For some reason or another, I never think to grab a shopping cart. Because of this I carry the awkwardly oversized box towards the cash registers. I see several open up ahead and one near by. A very attractive woman with a small basket turns into the register nearest me. She’s rocking the business casual sexy librarian work. She looks back, and for lack of a better word, she makes love to me with her eyes. Amen. I follow her into the lane.

What should I say? As my memory strolls every meaningless comic book I’ve ever read or shitty video game I’ve ever played, she reaches for a pack of gum. She looks back and sees my eyes following her movement. “You can go in front me, I have a bunch of coupons” she offers. Success, she broke the ice for me. Wait, she’s a coupon~er? Probably a little crazy. That’s all right. I can work with it. Damn, what should I say now? I put my huge box on the cashier belt and look back at her.

She has a big smile on her face. She knows I want her body on this conveyor belt right now. My lips start to open to say something even though my mind doesn’t know what yet. She tilts her head so that her hair falls in front of her face in sexy fashion. I love it. Still trying to process something to speak in my mind I watch her hand move towards her face to brush the hair away. Instead of a normal swipe she uses one finger. Her ring finger. Her ring finger which displayed a gargantuan rock. Bitch.

The next day I was meaninglessly roaming the few walls of the apartment when I decided I had a hunger that could only be satisfied by shitty Asian food in the mall. I could really go for some Bourbon chicken and some orange chicken. The usual. And of the three shitty Asian Food places in the Clearwater Mall foodcourt, none of them had bourbon chicken and orange chicken. One restaurant did have “grilled chicken” and “mango chicken” thought. It tasted great. That’s because it was bourbon chicken and orange chicken. This left me curious as to whether or not this was a regional naming convention. I must further investigate before a conclusion on this issue can be had.

I didn’t have the need for anything in the mall other than shitty Asian but I did walk around for a while. After my recent comments about the shitty decline of Best Buy’s inventory I was shocked to see a Best Buy Mobile store. This leads me to the conclusion that while most electronics are imminently approaching death due to digital distribution, cell phones are most definitely not. As such, Best Buy must be making a killing off of iGeneration kids buying up the latest and greatest cell phones out of false pretenses. This world is going to hell and there’s nothing I can do about it.

My roommate plays live music at a trashy little bar on the beach on Thursday nights. Mainly 90’s cover music but its usually a great time. I listened to my favorite decade of music and played some pool. Apparently my billiard shooting skills take off when I’m at the local oasis because I somehow managed to go 5-0 at the table.

On the way home I found out that the state of Florida doesn’t like it when you don’t change your license plate over. I tried to put some gum in my mouth before I had to interact with other humans but before I can do so a cop is shining the light through the passenger window at my hand. He asks me to roll down the window and asks what the hell I’m holding. He laughs at the outcome but quickly lets me know there’s a drug dog in his vehicle. I don’t know why he felt the urge to let me know this but as we weren’t riding dirty or breaking any laws so we talked about Kentucky for a while. He was also curious why there was furniture in the back of a truck at 4AM (long story, don’t ask) but after some explanations and a cheap fine we were free to go about our business.

There’s time for a few hours of shut eye before I start my temp job with my roommate at a warehouse of an online retailer. Fortunately, the warehouse runs later hours so I managed to get somewhat rested before a day of what I absolutely can not spend the rest of my life doing. After work I came home and slept for 12 straight hours. There’s a lot to be learned and said about online retailers and warehousing as well as shipping processes in America. (Obviously I have nothing bad to say about an employer as any job is a good job in these times and rent ain’t gonna pay itself; but I do have insightful comments to bring to the table that could even potentially help). But I am over 1,000 words and kind of tired of typing so I will save my experiences for another day.

I thought I drank and suppressed Celine Deon’s theme song to Titanic to the far depths of my brains, much like the Titanic in the ocean. I thought wrong.

On another note, my motivation returned and I drove back to Target to pick up the printer I desired. I could probably write an entire blog with entries everyday about my driving experiences in Florida, but I will spare you of creating a new blog category.

At a red-light I look over at car with a window sticker that caught my eye. It was a circle with a line crossing out some text. The text… Casey Anthony. Really? ****ing really? Somehow the desire to put a window sticker on my Jeep that said “Just get over it” came to mind. People in Florida like to really support their opinions for all to see. Hell, this Zimmerman stuff is getting out of hand. (Notice how I referred to the defendants? I think I have a passion for playing devils advocate. Or just supporting our legal system).

Point is, how could someone be so engulfed in a trial that they felt the need to buy a window sticker? Now maybe this person is related to the family or something and I don’t mean to cross boundaries but window stickers of a little boy pissing on a giant number 3 are less tacky. And even family stickers that say R.I.P. are tacky. When I die, if there’s somebody out there who thinks they are close enough to me to warrant putting a R.I.P. sticker in your window, you’re not. And please dont. I will haunt you.

Whether this person bought this sticker before or after the courtroom decision, it has been a long time since, ya know, the courtroom decision. Take that shit off. What are you trying to say? That people should ignore Casey Anthony? Its not like things are going to come easy for her the rest of her life. Or are you trying to say you disagree with the courtroom decision? You should be happy that we have a good legal system and it does the right thing.

Which leads me to my next point. Florida has been like a gun with a painted target on Zimmerman’s head. Now I’m sure there’s a story we don’t know buried deep in all the media. And by all the media, I mean the cover of every Tampa Bay Times for like the last month saying the same thing day in and day out. I did see one photo in the paper with a protester protesting the right to a fair trial. Thank God we have reasonable people in this country. Now I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve to go to prison but do we really need to change gun laws. He is gonna go to prison. The system works. Lets not change self defense laws. What am I even ranting about?

“So this is how liberty dies… with thunderous applause.”

My body required food. I didn’t know what, but I was hungry. Just around the bend there’s a new Winn-Dixie that I needed to explore. So late last night I rushed to beat closing time. After browsing the food aisles for a few minutes I decided a steak and egg sandwich was the solution to my hunger.

At the front of the store there was only one cash register open. Without much thought process I began putting my food on the conveyor belt. It wasn’t moving though. That’s because the old hag in front of me was bitching about something. She looked back at me to say sorry. Damn I thought. How long is this going to take?

Apparently she came to Winn-Dixie specifically for some kind of discounted hamburger meat in the weekly ads. Unfortunately, this particularly priced meat had all been purchased. This woman couldn’t seem to wrap this concept around her head until the chick at the register called the butcher to the front to hear so for herself. Instead of accepting the fact that she came to the grocery at 9:30 PM and missed her opportunity, she complained and got her way with the manager discounting a different type of meat.

Now call me old fashion but this logic doesn’t work out in my mind. I don’t show up to Best Buy on Black Friday 20 minutes before close and expect to buy a 75% off discounted 54 inch 3D TV that has probably been sold out since 4:01AM. And I definitely don’t anticipate that since I missed my opportunity by sleeping in, that I deserve a 60 inch 3D TV for the same discounted price. Old people.

Speaking of Best Buy, I made a trip there today. When you job hunt in the classifieds, all you have is a mailing address for your cover letter and resume. Which means I need a printer. Somehow, I managed to make it through six years of engineering school without a printer(I suppose this was due to the fact that I was a Computer Science major and all of my professors preferred a digital copy). But I don’t desire paying for printouts at Kinkos every time I need a physical copy so I decided to go printer shopping. Hell, laptops are like 500 bucks nowadays, a printer should be pretty cheap.

I was closest to Target so that’s where the shopping began. Surprisingly they have quite the selection of printers. They were a little pricey for me; Printer companies show no consideration for Moore’s Law. If I’m going to pay for one of these bad boys I might as well get all the bells and whistles (copier, sd card slots, etc…). Once I finished browsing the aisle of printers I decided I wasn’t happy with the price and I should check out Walmart. After all, Walmart is Walmart for a reason. Everyday low prices.

Shocked is the only word that can describe my reaction to the selection of printers at Walmart. Nothing was on display. And very few options existed for purchasing. This is when I realized the slow and inevitable death of the printer was finally among us. When Walmart quits carrying a product, you know its necessity in society has met its end. We have no need for physical copies any more. PDF that shit and email it(Yes, I just used the word PDF as a verb, applaud me).

Upset with Walmart’s selection I drove to Best Buy. The selection was slightly better but not by much. Taking in all of my options, I elected to search for a SD card to USB  adapter instead to help save costs. My mind determined Target was my best option too. At this exact moment, I received a text from my roommate saying I practically had a job lined up, so my efforts to purchase a printer died.

Well, I was at Best Buy so I might as well look around while I’m here. Best Buy has changed. Maybe its just the two Florida locations I’ve been too, but the stores seem desolate. Much less merchandise than the Louisville counterpart and definitely much less merchandise than I remember the stores having just a few short years ago. Maybe Best Buy has fallen on hard times. It could also be due to the high demand of digital distribution. Whatever the case, I felt unsatisfied with my experience and left thinking Best Buy was on a roller coaster towards destruction.

The best thing about my apartment is location. Yes, it is located in St. Petersburg but its located at the northern tip right between the two bridges to Tampa. My temp job hunt began in Tampa. Why you ask? Because that means I get the privilege of crossing one of the bridges everyday if I do land the job.

Most people wouldn’t consider crossing the bridge a luxury but that is because they are too consumed with living in 2012 to stop and realize what they are actually missing. Unlike crossing the potholed Kennedy bridge in Louisville, the integrity of this structure is actually quite pleasant. There’s not a million poorly planned on and off ramps within a mile’s span causing congestion either.

Now I will say I’ve not had the misfortune of crossing this bad boy during rush hour. I would assume the experience is quite different. Probably a stand still. But I’ve always been a fan of traffic jams, they’re like a Tetris puzzle of car pieces that need to be solved in my mind.

Even with a stand still though, people should stop and take the time to absorb the beauty. Just when I was crossing it yesterday I was overwhelmed with the beauty it possesses. There were several swarms of seagulls flying high above the bridge. I watched one spin in several circles then perform a straight nose dive towards the water to grab its prey. It was quite the spectacle.

I guess I should note that the Howard Franklin Bridge gaps the Old Tampa Bay and it is lays rather close to the water. At some points you actually feel like your on a natural land bridge between the two pieces of land.

There was a lot of wind on this particular day. I could see the waves of the water being quite turbulent as I envisioned myself in another life time being a surfer. As I came closer towards the St. Pete side, the waves began crashing up against the water barriers and splashing towards the roadway. This sight made my drive that much more enjoyable.

It is my hopes that those given the opportunity to actually cross this bridge in the near future don’t think of it as a chore but rather an opportunity to soak in the natural wildlife in a seemingly endless metropolis of outlet malls. Or the opportunity to see open blue ocean water in every direction. Or even the beautiful waterfront structures and Tampa skyline that has been established along the bay.

“It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world.”